Cascade

It seems as though the biggest events-those that are planned with every detailed aligned-pass far too quickly. Weddings, birthdays, engagement parties, holidays...time stops in order to make these occasions perfect. Then, with a blink of an eye, it's over. This is how I felt about the holidays this year.
It started with my trip to Indiana for my aunt's wedding and Thanksgiving with the whole family. I had an incredible time, but it went SO incredibly fast.
Christmas this year had the same affect. Christmas Eve I woke up and did my gift exchange with Shandra. She got me a scarf, a new Nicholas Sparks novel, a penguin blanket, and a penguin pooper. Such an awesome way to start Christmas! I then packed up my car and headed to Chase's work. I picked up Starbucks for he and his coworkers and hung out with him until his shift was over. Afterward, we went to his house and putzed around until dinner and church. The service was a good one and very uplifting. Christmas morning Chase and I woke at 6 along with most of the household and began our gift exchange. It was a lot of fun. I was Santa, passing out the gifts to the appropriate people. It was a lot of fun. That day Chase and I hung out together in his room, setting up his new sound system and playing with his new camera and RC helicopter. That evening we came down with food poisoning and after that spent the rest of the weekend in bed watching movies.
I can't believe it has already passed and the New Year is just around the corner. I don't think I'm ready for the New Year. I'm trying not to have expectations for this coming up year. I don't want to fail myself with a New Year's Resolution list that will sit unread and unresolved.
Here's to a New Year!

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News Flash

I haven't written on here in a long while, so I'll just pin point some newer stuff in my life these days:

1. I had an amazing time in Indiana with my family <3 The wedding was gorgeous, Thanksgiving dinner was delicious (if I do say so myself as one of the three cooks), the bachelorette party was a hit, Little Mexico was had, and just quality family time in general was amazing!

2. The aftermath of Indiana has been killer back pain. I go through pain that feels like my back is on fire. Pain like I'm being stung by a bunch of bees. Other pain where my back completely tenses up and I can't move my neck. Pain where my back starts to spasm on and off causing really uncomfortable pain. My back was a bit sore before my trip, but sleeping on a couch I figured that makes sense. But after the plane rides...it went downhill really fast. I've seen a chiropractor once and he said it was a pinched nerve. I'm going to go back tomorrow since it's being so spastic again.

3. Classes this semester are almost finished. I have my psychology final on Monday that I'm feeling prepared for. I've registered for next semester and will be taking Pre Algebra, Political Science and Theater Appreciation. I'm not looking forward to that course load on top of working full time...but I'm trying to get this associates done with as fast as I can!

4. Christmas is fast approaching and I've done ALL of my shopping. Now for the fun part: WRAPPING! Wee. I love wrapping presents and making them all pretty. I am also working on a special project that I won't go into detail about. I'm just hoping I can finish it by Christmas.

5. Today was the release of Cataclysm. I might just have to get back into playing WoW when I have the free time. I do have a month off of school...hmm... =^_^=

6. I've become newly addicted to an author, Jodi Picoult. She wrote the book My Sister's Keeper that was made into a movie that was a hit in box offices. Since reading that I've read three others...each about ethics and morals within the world. I love how she develops her characters. Addicted. One hundred and ten percent.

7. I've got a work party this coming Friday at work that I'm excited about. And Saturday Shan and I are volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club. Yay City!

8. My life isn't very exciting. It's been filled with school, work, reading and movies mostly these days. And I'm happy with all of these things.

Word.

THIS is love...

I am in love with this whole album. Her lyrics speak to me with all I'm going through in life right now. It's been playing at work and in my car nonstop for at least a week...if not more.
The first song I heard on this album was "Laugh". It's full of truths and so many great one-liners.
But lately...I've been listening to "Stuck in a Rut". I hear it and I want to cry. But not a sad cry. More like a "relief" cry if that makes sense? Like, I've had these thoughts before and I wasn't quite sure how to write it out so eloquently. And then I hear this song...and my heart breaks for her story. My story. A story many people I'm sure can relate to.
"...Is it wrong if I want you to hold me til it's right...?"
I'm also becoming quite fond of "Let Go That Weight". It's a fantastic song. Another I can relate to. And not just for myself...but for those around me. So many are going through trying times. Being tested. Well, the people I know are all fighters and strong, so I know they will get through it all.
"Let go that weight. Give it to me."
I wish I could take all the troubles of my loved ones. But I know that this too shall pass.

Cough

It happened at the most inopportune time. I'm sick. Four days before I leave to Indiana. Here's hoping I can fight this off before I leave!

Slacker

I slack at giving thanks. Or...at least writing them here...

Today, my thanks are brought to you by:

1. Coffee
2. Books
3. Friends
4. Family
5. Newest additions to families
6. Love
7. Education
8. Work
9. Laughter
10. Droid Incredible
11. Boots
12. Timone
13. Autumn
14. Music
15. Cookies

And finally, this new hair piece that my friends Shandra and Sara made:

Thankful: 5

This is a silly one...but I am thankful for the Holiday seasons and the atmosphere that encompasses them. Currently, I am listening to the Relient K holiday station while sipping on hot coffee with peppermint in it. The weather outside is crisp and a bit windy. I'm wearing a new, festive red shirt. Retail stores and markets are slowly starting to incorporate seasonal music into their mundane lists. Christmas trees, ornaments, decor, and lights are appearing in aisles and streets.
I remember as a kid driving around with my brother and parents to see the Christmas lights. My brother, Kenny, would proclaim "Chwistmas!" every time we'd pass the lights and to this day, that's what I think when I see them adorned across streets and homes.
I miss the simplicity of holidays as a child. Going from door to door in Grandma's housing track with my cousins Christmas caroling. Running around the house in pajamas excited for gifts. Playing in the snow. Now, I'm an adult. There hasn't been a set tradition for me in quite some years with Thanksgiving...I've celebrated with Chase, with my cousins, with friends, with family. Most of my Christmas time has spent with Chase and becoming "Santa" for his younger brother, Hunter.
I love this time of year. I love the layering of my clothes, wearing jackets, gloves, scarves, thermals...it's all nostalgia.
I can't wait to someday have a set tradition for the holidays. Something that I can pass on to my children and grandchildren <3

Thankful: 4

Today my thanks goes to Timone. Yes, a cat. I've been really down and feeling alone...and he's all I've got. I love walking into my room to have him meow and greet me, cuddle up against me, and just be. He's such a great cat. He sits with me while I'm working at my computer. Sleeps on me at night. Follows me around during the day. I love my little bubba. I am thankful that he has a clean bill of health and is in my life.

Thankful: 3

Today I want to give thanks to music. ♪♫♪♫
Whatever my emotion, music is there for me. It can make me happy when I need a lift. It can relate to me when I'm feeling down...not make me feel like I'm alone. Music...I love you. And I'm not sure how I would survive my days without you.

Thankful: 2

Today, I am thankful for a much needed vacation HOME to see my family <3 Yes, in just three short weeks I will be on a plane headed for the Midwest. Some people find it odd that I call Indiana "Home" but home is where the heart is, right? My family means the world to me, so it only makes sense that Indiana would hold a special place in my heart. I have only ever had one other sense of home, and this was with Chase, but I digress...
I am so pumped for the amazing times ahead of me. Thanksgiving with the WHOLE family, a wedding for my beautiful aunt and future uncle, singing in said wedding with my cousins, spending time with Adelaide, a day in Broadripple, quality time with loved ones...the list goes on!
I know this will be a jam packed week. I will also have homework and some papers to write this week, but man am I stoked. Indiana, HERE I COME!

Thankful: 1

This is a month about giving thanks. I know there are days that I become selfish and I forget to stop and just be. Be thankful for all that I do have. To stop focusing on what I don't have. So often I take things for granted. This month I will try to post one thing I am thankful for each day.
Today, I am thankful for my cousin Kate. Anyone who knows us, knows that we are extremely close. When we were younger we always had this bond and I was so afraid that moving 2,000 miles away to California would break this. However, years later in our lives that has proved to be untrue. We chat daily about everything. And what's odd...is that we seem to go through the same life experiences in unison. I love her with all my heart and am so thankful to have her in my life.

Accountability

I...am a yo-yo dieter. And I am sick and tired of food running me. So, starting today I am going to try my hardest to be accountable for my health. I need to stop eating to feed my emotions. I started my day out with a slice of one million oat and grainy goodness, oatmeal, and a black coffee. Okay, so maybe the bread didn't have one million oats and grains. I may start posting on here what I eat daily. But maybe not...I haven't decided yet. I want to feel healthy again. I want to look healthy again.

Believe

"It is the possibility that keeps me going … and though you may call me a dreamer or a fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible."
-The Notebook

Rainy Days

The Basics
Name: Kristal Lynn Mikels
Birthdate: September 8. 1985
Birthplace: Crawfordsville, IN
Current Location: Orange County, CA
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 5′ 5″
Your webpage: www.facebook.com/kristallynn
Are you taken? My heart is, but I am not.
How many & what kind of pets do you have? I have 2 cats.
What’s your job? Working as a receptionist and administrative assistant for a tech company.
What’s your Dream Job? Either a teacher or a forest ranger.
Who is your best friend? Kate.
What instruments do you play? I played trumpet and play around on the guitar.
What are your hobbies? Reading, writing, WoW, hiking, organizing, movies, music...
What are your goals? To at least get my Associates Degree in Liberal Studies.
Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump? Maybe.
What kind of books and/or magazines do you read? I read a ton of books ranging from science fiction, mystery, romance, autobiographical, suspense, thriller, action, horror...anything.
How would you describe yourself? Geeky and then some.
What is a topic you wish you knew more about? Greek Mythology.
What do you daydream about? My future and also having super powers.
What are your religious/spiritual beliefs? I believe that there is a God, but that there are many forms. I believe in karma, fate, and positive energies.

List 3 Things You Would Change About Yourself:
One: That I wouldn't take things so personally.
Two: That I would stand up for myself more often.
Three: I feel attractive, but there are things I would like to change.

Either / Or
Shy or Outgoing? Shy
Spender or Saver? Spender. I am an awful saver.
Truth or Dare? Truth
Books or Movies? Both
Romantic Comedy or Action Adventure? Action Adventure
Cats or Dogs? Cats
Mountain or Beach? Both
Sweet or Salty? Salty

Do You…
Smoke? No
Drink? On occasion
Get annoyed easily? Easily, not usually. If I do it means I've had a bad day and will usually just be more quiet than normal.
Like to travel? Love it, but haven't taken the opportunity to do so.
Like to drive fast? Yes
Sing well? Not awful, but not great.
Want kids? It's debatable. I have a mothering instinct, but am afraid to raise kids in this world.

—–What would you name a boy? Tristan
—–What would you name a girl? Sophie

Have You Ever…
Performed on stage? In what? Yes. I performed on stage in vocal production, band, jazz band, a play, and also a fake your orgasm contest. I won. Go me.
Been in a car accident? Minor, yes.
Been out of the country? Where? Just Mexico

What Is…
The last CD you bought? 10 Years
The last movie you saw in the theater? Easy A
The last movie you rented? The Matrix
Your greatest fear? Death of loved ones
Your greatest strength? Loyalty
Your greatest weakness? Animals
Your happiest memory? Fishing with my dad and our dog, Sam. Any times spent at the Blue House with family.

Your Favorite…
Movie: So many. Give me a genre and I can give you a movie.
TV Show: X Files
Actor: Matt Damon, David Duchovney
Actress: Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel, Angelina Jolie
Food: Comfort foods, sushi, tacos, Chinese, veggies, fruits...
Drink: Non Alcoholic: Sweet tea, chai tea, water, Barqs Red Cream Soda. Alcoholic: Sailor Jerry and Dr. Pepper, Margaritas, Blue Moon, Fat Tires
Color: Red and Black
Scent: Apple and Cinnamon.
Season & WHY: Fall. I love the smells associated with it. I love the crisp air. I love the holidays. I love wearing layers...scarves, hats, jackets <3
Day of the week & WHY: Saturday because it's the only day of the week that I can sleep in in the morning, stay up late at night, and then sleep in again the next day.
Store: For food: Food 4 Less. Otherwise, Target or Best Buy.
Quote: "I'd rather see the world from a different angle." Jewel
Quality in friendships: Honesty, humor, integrity, adventure...

What Do You Think About…
Abortion: I am pro-choice. I believe it's the womans choice if she wants to keep the baby or not. Personally, I couldn't have an abortion. I would always be afraid that I would never get pregnant again.
Homosexuality: I am all for it <3 You love who you love.
God: I believe there is a God.
Jesus: WWJD?
Satan: I believe that just as there are higher powers that govern things in a good way, there are lower powers that govern in a bad way.
Heaven: Is what we make it.
Hell: Is also what we make it.
Miracles: I believe that there are things that happen that can't be explained, but not so sure these are "miracles."
Astrology: Is fun to read about, but again not sure if I believe it.
War: “The world is full enough of hurts and mischance without wars to multiply them.” -J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings
Ghosts: I believe they exist, and have felt their precense on very rare ocassions.
Reincarnation: That's a tough one. I honestly don't know. Again, an interesting topic to learn about. But not sure I believe in it.
Karma: Yes. Treat others like you wish to be treated.
Luck: Luck is all about probability.
Aliens: I do believe in other life forms. While I'm not sure that aliens take on the same form that are portrayed in movies and shows...I do believe that they exist.

How To Love Me...

" You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect, you aren't either and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." -Bob Marley

Cycles

As I was starting the dishwasher this evening, I noticed the settings: Normal, Pots and Pans, Rinse and Upper Rack. If I was a dish (yes this is really my thought process) which cycle would I be set to?
I thought about my choices pretty carefully. Normal definitely wouldn't be the correct cycle for me, as I'm the furthest thing from normal. Example: I'm writing a blog about which dishwasher cycle I would be set to if I was a dish. Rinse, while an amazing option, just wouldn't be enough. It would be like having the mac without the cheese. You can't have rinse without the wash. Pots and Pans, while I do like it rough sometimes (sorry) I don't think I could always relate to pots and pans.
Upper Rack: That's where the fun happens. All the bowls get to hang out up there. Cups too. They wouldn't get drowned with all the water like the bottom rack. They don't have to worry about the utensils being directly next to them. The upper rack is like paper beating rock in Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Fin.

Storm

Here I drift feeling alone again
Away from everyone and everything
As thunder claps and lightning strikes
Another storm of thoughts begins.
With everything a downpour
Confusion in the haze
Make my mind a maze.
On the brink of loneliness
Too tired to cry out.
The fears of standing alone
Entwined with guilt and doubt.
But it always comes full circle
At the end I just think of you.
Remembering good times
I hope this storm will lift
And we can see this through
Will friendship endure?
Clouded thoughts hollow
Waiting for it to subside
Emptiness raining down on me
Such cold numbness inside.
Blistering light flashes down
Leaving dark thoughts to burn
There's always hope for a better tomorrow
And I'm waiting for good times to return.

Serenity

"Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

About two weeks ago I went to a dermatologist about a mole that had changed in both size and color. Me being the hypochondriac that I am, got scared and finally decided to call a doctor to get it biopsied. While there, the doctor also found another mark that worried him. This morning I finally got the results. I have Stage 1 Melanoma, (it is one of the less common types of skin cancer, but causes the majority (75%) of skin cancer related deaths). See, I hate definitions like this-this particular one found on Wiki.
The doctor is being really positive and supportive. Luckily it is only Stage 1, which means I'll only need surgery. I'll go in, get the area cut out and then stitched up. They said it shouldn't take more than 40 or so minutes to finish the procedure. I'll also need to get my lymph nodes tested just to verify that it hasn't spread. They're pretty positive that it hasn't spread more than what they can remove since it was caught early enough. This is upbeat me.
Scared me...scared me hates doctors. Hates anything medical related. Hates that I feel alone in this. That all of my family lives far. And it's such a minor surgery-so minor compared to what it could have been if it had progressed had it not been seen as soon as it did. Yay for my hypochondriac-ness?
Happy news is that I get some nice pain killers out of this! <3

Inconsistency

I don't know what I want.

Grandfather

When I was a little girl
I'd sit on my grandfather's lap
While he read to me James Whitcomb Riley
And I would ask him to repeat each story
Again so that I could memorize the words.
And with each line he read to me
I would repeat in the same manner,
Imitating movements he made
Because I wanted to go home
And tell my dad the story, just like
My grandpa told me.

Beginnings

Take my hand
I'll lead you home
To another land
Further than Rome.

Escape with me
And never look back
Trust you'll be free
From another attack.

Don't need to run
Let's walk in line
This old life is done
Let your new life shine.

Scented Memories

There are days where I'll be completely consumed in thought when a scent will catch me off-guard. Scents carry memories...

Burning leaves - Rarely do I smell burning leaves in California, but I have fond memories outside of "The Blue House". I remember grandma and grandpa would pay each of us kids to pick up the acorns that had fallen in their front and back yard when we were younger. We would take the wheel barrel out and start a journey. When I think of these times, the smell of burning leaves always takes over because of the neighbor having a pit they would burn them in.

Dial soap - This is another scent that reminds me of grandma and grandpa's. Whenever I smell Dial soap I think of washing my hands after playing or before meals (as grandma's house always meant good food).

Earth/soil - Growing up, I used to go fishing with my dad a LOT. During the week we would go to our complex lake and space the day away fishing with our dog Sam. And many weekends were spent going to pay lakes to fish. On days that it has rained, I often smell dirt and that earthworm scent in the air.

Fresh baked bread - This scent reminds me of my aunt and uncle's home. I stayed with them a lot because my cousins and I are very close. The smell of bread wafted in the open air as I would walk through the door for my stays. I have fond memories of my Uncle John waking up before us kids and making oatmeal and toasting the bread for us.

Old Spice - I'm talking old school Old Spice. Before they started getting creative and ruining the original scent. Old Spice reminds me of my grandpa and of my dad. It brings back fond memories of snuggling up to my dad while watching TV. And with my grandpa, how he was so lively, and that with every "swoosh" of his movements I could smell Old Spice.

Cardboard - In grandma and grandpa's "Blue House" there was a little closet that was filled with board games. Every time I opened this door, the smell of musty cardboard was overwhelming. To this day when I smell cardboard, I think of that closet.

If You Really Knew Me...

There is a show on MTV right now called If You Really Knew Me and it inspired me to write my own list of things. These are just what come to mind at this point in time, but I'm sure this list could go on for ages...

If you really knew me...

...You would know that I feel like I'm destined to be alone. This feeling started when my dad passed away. Around the same time this happened, a close friend of mine, Tyler Teague passed away from a rare form of cancer. Fast forward a couple years, a guy I dated for a short while but then became close friends with, Chase Dart, found out he had leukemia and passed away. A few years later, my grandfather. I latch onto the only man in my life (probably too hard) because I feel like it's only a matter of time before he leaves me.
...You would know that I am scared of a mark that appeared not too long ago on my back that has changed in color and shape. I am scheduling an appointment with a dermatologist to get a biopsy of it and see what the outcome will be.
...You would know that I am loyal almost to a fault. I always want to see the good in people and usually end up getting screwed over in the end.
...You would know that I fear I won't be able to have a child.
...You would know that I have a recurring dream about a drive by shooting. Every time I'm in a trailer with a kid crouching down with me holding the kid. I hear gunshots and bullets start to come in through the walls of the trailer. The trailer then starts to crumble around and on top of me while I'm shot multiple times. The kid doesn't get injured. I've had this dream since I was 12 or 13 and it still occurs.
...You would know that my kitties are the loves of my life. They are basically my kids and I'm not sure what I'd do without them.
...You would know that I still call Indiana home. My family means a lot to me, and with everyone living there, they are my home. The only other place I feel at home is with Chase.
...You would know that I feel as though I am more spiritual than religious. I love learning about different beliefs, but don't believe necessarily in any one God or any God at all. I believe in things like karma, destiny, fate. However, I respect people that do believe in a God and think that their belief system is essential for how they live their lives.
...You would know that I am trying to become a stronger person. To focus on things that are important - like an education, working toward some kind of a goal that may get me somewhere in life.

Others

It's funny that I care so much about how other people view me. Not people I don't know, but people that I know and care about, but don't get it reciprocated. I wish I could turn the other cheek and move on. Why can't I? I need an emotion switch to turn these feelings on and off. K Robot. Or something to that affect.

I Am...

I am...
Lost and found.
Insecure and sure.
Outgoing and shy.
Beautiful.
I am...
Shooting to the sky.
Diving down deep.
Grasping for more.
Running the other way.
I am...
Smart and ignorant.
Easy to please.
Hard to understand.
Loyal.
I am...
The girl next door.
Looking through windows.
Stumbling through halls.
Always wanting more.
I am...
Hopeful and changed.
Determined and driven.
I am...
Here.
I am...
Hidden.
I am...
Me.

Puzzle Pieces

Coldplay - "Talk"
Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk.

Saving Graces

Lately, I've been listening to this Thrivemix Presents - TranceAnthems album. And can I just say - I'm in love. It's a happy cd. It makes me want to dance and let go. This is what I need lately. To just feel free. To let go of all the stress that's building up. This and P90X have been my saving graces. If I could, I'd pull a Garden State - where Zach Braff and Natalie Portman go to that ginormous open area and just SCREAM at the top of their lungs. I think if I did that anywhere around where I live, the cops would be called.
I've started taking SamE again to help with my anxiety and panic attacks, and thankfully it works. So, this morning I've been studying for an exam and dancing around to this song, and many others...
(but this song is so pretty and has a great beat)

"Jetstream"

(It's only one more day)

Can you wait
My plane will be arriving shortly
Right there at the gate
I pray that you'll be waiting right there for me

This time could be what
We've both been searching for
Our whole lives waking up
And coming back for more

(Leave your baggage behind, you won't need it tonight, enjoy your flight)

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

We're so high
I'm watching all the clouds stripped by below me
We should try
It's been so long since I made you cry

Long-Live-Love
I just can't get enough of you
I need that engines pushed
It's gonna take me home to you

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

You were meant to be
Home with me

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are so good for me (Just how I wanna be baby)

But you're gone
But you're gone
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
If you don't try
If you don't try
How will you know
How will you know

Sins

From biggest to smallest:

Envy - I am envious of a lot. I am envious of the material things that those around me have and that I don't. And of the people around me that have a better life than me. And of those that have found true happiness and are living through that. I deal with this every day.

Gluttony - When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm full, I eat. I'm not sure why, but I've always relied on food to be there for me in whatever emotional state I'm in. I'm working on this.

Lust - I am lustful, but only for my boyfriend. I'm sure he'd rather me be less lustfull, but this is just my being honest.

Greed - I wish I had more money. Maybe money doesn't buy happiness, but it would at least buy some good times. A nice get away. An investment for my future. I hate that money is the center of everything.

Sloth - I work, yes. I go to school, yes. I work out, yes. But all of this is me working on me. I would rather be lazy and do nothing to be quite honest. If I had a goal in mind, maybe I would work a little hard. Take more classes. Work out harder. But without a goal in mind, I feel as though I'm stuck. I'm doing all the actions, but I'm not getting anywhere.

Wrath - I don't get angry often. I do get hurt often though, and take things to heart too often. I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve. I would rather love than fight.

Pride - If anything, I need more pride. I don't have much pride in anything I do, and because of this I lose my sense of ability. I feel like I don't amount to much, no matter what I do.

Lyrical

Windows down
Hair flowing free
Dancing in the wind
Encompassing me.

Music resonates
Feel the energy
Lost in the sound
Not a worry.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Let go
No doubts.

Speed up
Slow down
Stand still
Come around.

Beauty illuminates
Open your eyes
Tears fall
Say good bye.

Changes

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

Changes are taking place in my life right now, and I'm trying to find the best way to deal with them. Chase and I will be living separately starting Halloween when our lease is up - and can I just say - I AM SCARED. My stomach starts to flip flop, my throat has a permanent lump in it, my mind won't stop turning and over analyzing, and my heart...feels incomplete. I know that ultimately our living apart will either break us up or bring us closer together so that we can have a future. I'm really hoping for the latter.
I'm trying to be hopeful and to have faith and not listen to those that say we should just break up or that he is doing this as a way to break up with me. Chase is the only person that holds the key to my heart, and honestly, is the only person I want to have it. I don't question that, but I know that he isn't happy and that there are things that need to be worked on. He wants to gain independence that he never had the opportunity to experience, to make changes in his life that will benefit him, and to feel a want and need to see me instead of a force of seeing me every day living together.
I understand where he's coming from and I want him to be happy. I know that he is scared for these changes too. And his fears are much more selfless than mine. Mine are based on my love for him and the thought of losing him. His are based on not knowing what to expect, as he's never lived independently.
Did I mention I was scared?
So, come Halloween I will be moving in with my friend, Shandra and her parents and Chase will (most likely) be getting an apartment with his friend, Jesse. It's going to be weird. For so many years now I've become used to always having him there next to me at night, and to knowing that I'll be coming home to he and the kitties. Times are changing...and hopefully for the better...

It's All About ME!

Who was your favorite celebrity as a child?
I always loved Angelina Jolie and then a tie between Robin Wiliams and Jim Carey for guys.

What is your favorite color?
Tiffany Box Blue.

What is most memorable about your high school years?
On the positive side - In my Junior year I started hanging out with a group of friends who were all Seniors and they were all really amazing people. We had a lot of fun together. Through them I met Jeff, who impacted my life a lot.
On the negative side - this is also the same time that my dad passed away and also had a close friend pass.

What word describes you best?
Dreamer

What is your greatest accomplishment?
I'm not sure I have a greatest accomplishment?

What is your favorite food?
Sushi. I love a lot of food, but in the end sushi wins.

Where do you want to retire?
Oh, who knows? I'm so indecisive on anything regarding my future.

What is your business goal this year?
To continuously grow and learn more about our company.

Where do you like to vacation?
I love vacations in the mountains, at the beach, and at the river.

Who do you admire?
I admire anyone who is further improving themselves. Anyone who goes out of their comfort zone to do good. Anyone who helps others. I admire lots of people.

What is your mission?
To be the best me I can be and to make a difference.

If you were invisible, where would you go?
I'd probably sneak into places I shouldn't be. Concerts, music videos, figure out government conspiracies and which are true and which aren't. Too much X Files!

What traits in others are you attracted to?
Honest, loving, respectful, adventurous, funny, chivalry...

What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you?
Minnie and Randy Chung made it possible for me to stay in California when my mom moved back to the Midwest.

How do you want to be remembered?
As someone who cared and loved those around me.

What would you do with a million dollars?
Buy a house, buy a car, buy a personal trainer, finish school, get some gadgets, donate some, and save whatever is left. If any. Hahaha.

If you were on an island, who would you want to be with? Why?
Timmy - because he always knows how to have a good time!

You have a 10 minute speech to give at a high school, what is it about?
It's about how life is hard and how you can't let that get you down.

People Watching

Last night as I was driving home I saw an "In Loving Memory" on the back of a vehicle. I see these all the time, but this one was different. This was for a woman's son, and yesterday was his birthday. He passed in 2008, and he would have been 30 today. For some reason this made me extremely sad and also made me think, "I wonder what the woman, the mother, was thinking that day behind the wheel. I wondered what her life was like. What happened to her son. Was she married or alone? Maybe she had other kids? And I just hoped she wasn't going to be alone that day.
Sometimes I go to Disneyland just to have me time, but also to people watch. I make up stories about the people who are there. They are very elaborate, almost like playing with barbies again as a kid. This woman is married to this man, they have a small house in this city, and their kids names are...
I'm sure this might seem odd, but it's kind of a creative outlet for me. I could easily just sit with a group of people and just listen and watch. It's funny too, because when I was younger I always wanted to be heard and to be the center of attention, but the older I get, the more I realize I'm content with just sitting back and letting the people around me get the spotlight.
Anyways, this was a random posting - but I figured I'd let my thought process be known just a little more.

Indiana (Jones)

Okay, so this post has nothing to do with Indiana Jones. But I think he's a hunk (hahahaha)and the theme song is awesome and sometimes starts to play in my head. That's not weird, right?
So, last Friday, July 2nd, I left on a red eye flight to Indiana for a family reunion. I left Orange County at 9:30 pm, had a lay over in Detroit at around 4 am, and arrived to Indiana at 8:30 am. Two things - the obnoxious family of 10 on my 100% full flight to Detroit kept me from sleeping more than an hour or so; and the Detroit airport is very eerie that early in the morning. I was literally the only person in the walking escalator across a football field sized hall that had a light show with music. So after that fun I finally arrived in Indiana to have Kate, Adelaide, and Brian pick me up.
This was my first time meeting Adelaide, and it was really hard not to cry. She is so precious and full of such a zest for everything that surrounds her. I love it!
Upon arrival I was famished, so we went to Cracker Barrell (a must!) and I ordered an egg, bacon, and wheat toast with a whole lot of coffee on the side.
After eating we headed to Turkey Run to meet up with the family. The day progressed with a ton of food and BBQing, hiking the trails, and then swimming two times - once earlier in the day and another time later in the evening. We also sat around as a family and played the dictionary game. I love this game. It makes me giggle. And snort. A lot.
The next day was spent packing up our stuff from the cabin at Turkey Run and heading back to Crafordsville where we went out to lunch and then proceeded to head to Grandma's house. We played Pictionary for a while and then went to Wally World to walk around and peruse the aisles.
All the girls of the family - My mom, Aunt Marcie, Grandma, Rachel, Katie, and I all decided to have a girl's evening that night. I picked up a face mask for us to use that night and my cousin got some super awesome yellow nail polish. We drank wine, ate junk food, painted nails, applied face masks, washed each others hair, (getting the disgusting chlorine out of our hair from the previous day)used hand exfoliation, and had a giggle fest.
The following day was my last day with family. As tradition stands, we went to Little Mexico (my favorite) for lunch. My cousin and I each got margaritas and we all just talked and hung out.
All in all it was a great trip. I left out a lot of details, but this is the gist of the trip and it's amazingness.

A Tribute To Life

I met James when I was 12 years old. He and my Aunt Elaine had just started dating and I remember being nervous about meeting this mystery guy. But, upon meeting him, I realized what an amazing person he was. He had this manner about him - this charisma - that made me like him instantly. This like turned into a love over the years of knowing him. James was not just my Aunt's boyfriend in my eyes, he was Uncle James and he was family.
After they had dated for a while, they moved in to an apartment together in La Jolla, CA. I don't remember my visits like I wish I could, but I remember my mom and I would drive down and stay with them for weekends. And then, when that wasn't enough for me, my mom would take me to the train station and I would visit on my own. Everytime I got off that train, James would welcome me with a big smile and a hug. I loved these trips.
Sometimes we wouldn't do much of anything. We'd relax and joke around and watch movies. Other weekends we would go to Torrey Pines State Beach and goof around. Building sand castles, playing in the water, and just talking.
He was the easiest person to talk to as he never judged and was always attentive. And if things would get too serious, he always knew how to break the ice and get me laughing again.
I remember he used to try to teach me to play chess. And how frustrated I would get because in my mind, things needed to be logical, and this game made no sense to me. But he always made it fun and never got impatient.
When my aunt and James broke up, I remember being devastated. In my eyes, he was perfect. They were perfect. I didn't want to not have James as my Uncle James anymore. But their breakup did not change our relationship. My aunt and he remained friends and we still talked.
One year my aunt threw a Halloween Party, and James came as a Grim Reaper. I was a nurse. And my aunt was a cat. That night I read tarot cards for him, even though I had never done so before. And everything felt like old times. No matter how long it had been between seeing him, things always picked up where they left off.
James brought a lot to this world and I feel blessed to have had him in my life.

X Me Baby

P90X is EXTREME. I love it. It makes me feel oh so great when I've accomplished a video. Today will be my 8th day, and to be quite honest, I'm proud of myself for making it this far. I'm more out of shape than I have been. EVER. But I've only got 82 days left!
So far I've lost 6 pounds. Not a whole lot in the grand scheme of how much I'd like to lose. BUT, there is a lot of muscle being built here, so while I'll be losing weight from fat, I'll also be gaining from muscle. Come on summer body!



I do love how cheesetastic the music is in these videos <3

Hurt

This evening Chase told me he wanted me to leave him alone for a couple of weeks. That's the nicer version of how the conversation went, and needless to say...I am HURT. I feel broken. I feel like this is somehow my fault, but yet know that it's not. I know this is him needing to figure out what he wants. But it doesn't help mend my heart. It just intensifies it knowing that he's unsure - when I feel so sure. I'm not sure what the end result will be of this "alone time" and how it will work out with us living together. But what I do know is that I will be reflecting. And grieving. And trying to not hurt too badly when I have a life to lead and other people surrounding me who want me. To love me and to be there for me.
Like my mom. She is the greatest. Really, my family as a whole is the greatest. Knowing how much I'm going through in life right now with not only this, but also a recent death of a loved one, she bought me a ticket to Indiana for our family reunion this coming up weekend.
Words cannot describe how excited and thankful I am for this little mini vacation. I finally get to meet my precious niece, Adelaide. I get to hike "our" trails at Turkey Run. This weekend is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I can attempt to hold my head up high throughout the week knowing that I have my family to see at the end.
<3

Killadork

Before Chase and I started officially dating, we used to go to a Gaming placed called Yogis. Here, he introduced me to a game "Battlefield 2" and I was hooked. But the problem arose - "What will my player name be?"
Yes, I know what you're thinking. Something so small and seemingly unimportant. BUT, to me the name says it all! So, I asked Chase what he thought my name should be. And from then on I forever became known as Adorkable in his eyes.
According to UrbanDictionary Adorkable means: Both dorky and adorable. A higher state of being all dorks strive towards.

YUP! That about sums me up so long as you throw in a couple days of PMS and such - I'm sure a different nickname would derive from those days, so we won't go there.
Here we are 5 years later, and Adorkable is now my character's name in World of Warcraft. I really can't believe how many people get a kick out of the name. I'll be minding my own business, riding around town on my kittie, and all of a sudden I'll get a whisper..."I love your name! It's so cute!" And it just goes on from there. I do love this name and have become accustomed to the random messages from fellow gamers.
Now, comes my story of the day-
I was defending the Fortress in Wintergrasp with Mellowflaw *Chase* and decided after the fight to play laser pointer with the kitties for a minute. I leave my toon up in the air on my drake for a good 2 minutes and as I turn back around see that a horde has killed me. His name? Killadork.
He really took his name to heart.

Sensing What Doesn't Make Sense

Have you ever been a passenger in a car and shut your eyes just slightly so that the world around you seems to be going by in fast forward? I do this quite often, as Chase is the one to trek us around when we go out. I like that I am not completely blind to the world around me, but yet not fully aware of the realities as well.
This sensation is best at night. Try a freeway. You can see the blur of lights around you, as though you're in a movie or music video with special affects. Maybe it's just me.