Scented Memories

There are days where I'll be completely consumed in thought when a scent will catch me off-guard. Scents carry memories...

Burning leaves - Rarely do I smell burning leaves in California, but I have fond memories outside of "The Blue House". I remember grandma and grandpa would pay each of us kids to pick up the acorns that had fallen in their front and back yard when we were younger. We would take the wheel barrel out and start a journey. When I think of these times, the smell of burning leaves always takes over because of the neighbor having a pit they would burn them in.

Dial soap - This is another scent that reminds me of grandma and grandpa's. Whenever I smell Dial soap I think of washing my hands after playing or before meals (as grandma's house always meant good food).

Earth/soil - Growing up, I used to go fishing with my dad a LOT. During the week we would go to our complex lake and space the day away fishing with our dog Sam. And many weekends were spent going to pay lakes to fish. On days that it has rained, I often smell dirt and that earthworm scent in the air.

Fresh baked bread - This scent reminds me of my aunt and uncle's home. I stayed with them a lot because my cousins and I are very close. The smell of bread wafted in the open air as I would walk through the door for my stays. I have fond memories of my Uncle John waking up before us kids and making oatmeal and toasting the bread for us.

Old Spice - I'm talking old school Old Spice. Before they started getting creative and ruining the original scent. Old Spice reminds me of my grandpa and of my dad. It brings back fond memories of snuggling up to my dad while watching TV. And with my grandpa, how he was so lively, and that with every "swoosh" of his movements I could smell Old Spice.

Cardboard - In grandma and grandpa's "Blue House" there was a little closet that was filled with board games. Every time I opened this door, the smell of musty cardboard was overwhelming. To this day when I smell cardboard, I think of that closet.

If You Really Knew Me...

There is a show on MTV right now called If You Really Knew Me and it inspired me to write my own list of things. These are just what come to mind at this point in time, but I'm sure this list could go on for ages...

If you really knew me...

...You would know that I feel like I'm destined to be alone. This feeling started when my dad passed away. Around the same time this happened, a close friend of mine, Tyler Teague passed away from a rare form of cancer. Fast forward a couple years, a guy I dated for a short while but then became close friends with, Chase Dart, found out he had leukemia and passed away. A few years later, my grandfather. I latch onto the only man in my life (probably too hard) because I feel like it's only a matter of time before he leaves me.
...You would know that I am scared of a mark that appeared not too long ago on my back that has changed in color and shape. I am scheduling an appointment with a dermatologist to get a biopsy of it and see what the outcome will be.
...You would know that I am loyal almost to a fault. I always want to see the good in people and usually end up getting screwed over in the end.
...You would know that I fear I won't be able to have a child.
...You would know that I have a recurring dream about a drive by shooting. Every time I'm in a trailer with a kid crouching down with me holding the kid. I hear gunshots and bullets start to come in through the walls of the trailer. The trailer then starts to crumble around and on top of me while I'm shot multiple times. The kid doesn't get injured. I've had this dream since I was 12 or 13 and it still occurs.
...You would know that my kitties are the loves of my life. They are basically my kids and I'm not sure what I'd do without them.
...You would know that I still call Indiana home. My family means a lot to me, and with everyone living there, they are my home. The only other place I feel at home is with Chase.
...You would know that I feel as though I am more spiritual than religious. I love learning about different beliefs, but don't believe necessarily in any one God or any God at all. I believe in things like karma, destiny, fate. However, I respect people that do believe in a God and think that their belief system is essential for how they live their lives.
...You would know that I am trying to become a stronger person. To focus on things that are important - like an education, working toward some kind of a goal that may get me somewhere in life.

Others

It's funny that I care so much about how other people view me. Not people I don't know, but people that I know and care about, but don't get it reciprocated. I wish I could turn the other cheek and move on. Why can't I? I need an emotion switch to turn these feelings on and off. K Robot. Or something to that affect.

I Am...

I am...
Lost and found.
Insecure and sure.
Outgoing and shy.
Beautiful.
I am...
Shooting to the sky.
Diving down deep.
Grasping for more.
Running the other way.
I am...
Smart and ignorant.
Easy to please.
Hard to understand.
Loyal.
I am...
The girl next door.
Looking through windows.
Stumbling through halls.
Always wanting more.
I am...
Hopeful and changed.
Determined and driven.
I am...
Here.
I am...
Hidden.
I am...
Me.

Puzzle Pieces

Coldplay - "Talk"
Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk.

Saving Graces

Lately, I've been listening to this Thrivemix Presents - TranceAnthems album. And can I just say - I'm in love. It's a happy cd. It makes me want to dance and let go. This is what I need lately. To just feel free. To let go of all the stress that's building up. This and P90X have been my saving graces. If I could, I'd pull a Garden State - where Zach Braff and Natalie Portman go to that ginormous open area and just SCREAM at the top of their lungs. I think if I did that anywhere around where I live, the cops would be called.
I've started taking SamE again to help with my anxiety and panic attacks, and thankfully it works. So, this morning I've been studying for an exam and dancing around to this song, and many others...
(but this song is so pretty and has a great beat)

"Jetstream"

(It's only one more day)

Can you wait
My plane will be arriving shortly
Right there at the gate
I pray that you'll be waiting right there for me

This time could be what
We've both been searching for
Our whole lives waking up
And coming back for more

(Leave your baggage behind, you won't need it tonight, enjoy your flight)

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

We're so high
I'm watching all the clouds stripped by below me
We should try
It's been so long since I made you cry

Long-Live-Love
I just can't get enough of you
I need that engines pushed
It's gonna take me home to you

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

You were meant to be
Home with me

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

J-E-T (J-E-T)
You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are my jetstream lover
You're how I wanna be (Just how I wanna be baby)

You are so good for me (You are so good for me)
You are so good for me (Just how I wanna be baby)

But you're gone
But you're gone
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
If you don't try
If you don't try
How will you know
How will you know

Sins

From biggest to smallest:

Envy - I am envious of a lot. I am envious of the material things that those around me have and that I don't. And of the people around me that have a better life than me. And of those that have found true happiness and are living through that. I deal with this every day.

Gluttony - When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm full, I eat. I'm not sure why, but I've always relied on food to be there for me in whatever emotional state I'm in. I'm working on this.

Lust - I am lustful, but only for my boyfriend. I'm sure he'd rather me be less lustfull, but this is just my being honest.

Greed - I wish I had more money. Maybe money doesn't buy happiness, but it would at least buy some good times. A nice get away. An investment for my future. I hate that money is the center of everything.

Sloth - I work, yes. I go to school, yes. I work out, yes. But all of this is me working on me. I would rather be lazy and do nothing to be quite honest. If I had a goal in mind, maybe I would work a little hard. Take more classes. Work out harder. But without a goal in mind, I feel as though I'm stuck. I'm doing all the actions, but I'm not getting anywhere.

Wrath - I don't get angry often. I do get hurt often though, and take things to heart too often. I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve. I would rather love than fight.

Pride - If anything, I need more pride. I don't have much pride in anything I do, and because of this I lose my sense of ability. I feel like I don't amount to much, no matter what I do.

Lyrical

Windows down
Hair flowing free
Dancing in the wind
Encompassing me.

Music resonates
Feel the energy
Lost in the sound
Not a worry.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Let go
No doubts.

Speed up
Slow down
Stand still
Come around.

Beauty illuminates
Open your eyes
Tears fall
Say good bye.

Changes

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

Changes are taking place in my life right now, and I'm trying to find the best way to deal with them. Chase and I will be living separately starting Halloween when our lease is up - and can I just say - I AM SCARED. My stomach starts to flip flop, my throat has a permanent lump in it, my mind won't stop turning and over analyzing, and my heart...feels incomplete. I know that ultimately our living apart will either break us up or bring us closer together so that we can have a future. I'm really hoping for the latter.
I'm trying to be hopeful and to have faith and not listen to those that say we should just break up or that he is doing this as a way to break up with me. Chase is the only person that holds the key to my heart, and honestly, is the only person I want to have it. I don't question that, but I know that he isn't happy and that there are things that need to be worked on. He wants to gain independence that he never had the opportunity to experience, to make changes in his life that will benefit him, and to feel a want and need to see me instead of a force of seeing me every day living together.
I understand where he's coming from and I want him to be happy. I know that he is scared for these changes too. And his fears are much more selfless than mine. Mine are based on my love for him and the thought of losing him. His are based on not knowing what to expect, as he's never lived independently.
Did I mention I was scared?
So, come Halloween I will be moving in with my friend, Shandra and her parents and Chase will (most likely) be getting an apartment with his friend, Jesse. It's going to be weird. For so many years now I've become used to always having him there next to me at night, and to knowing that I'll be coming home to he and the kitties. Times are changing...and hopefully for the better...