If You Really Knew Me...

There is a show on MTV right now called If You Really Knew Me and it inspired me to write my own list of things. These are just what come to mind at this point in time, but I'm sure this list could go on for ages...

If you really knew me...

...You would know that I feel like I'm destined to be alone. This feeling started when my dad passed away. Around the same time this happened, a close friend of mine, Tyler Teague passed away from a rare form of cancer. Fast forward a couple years, a guy I dated for a short while but then became close friends with, Chase Dart, found out he had leukemia and passed away. A few years later, my grandfather. I latch onto the only man in my life (probably too hard) because I feel like it's only a matter of time before he leaves me.
...You would know that I am scared of a mark that appeared not too long ago on my back that has changed in color and shape. I am scheduling an appointment with a dermatologist to get a biopsy of it and see what the outcome will be.
...You would know that I am loyal almost to a fault. I always want to see the good in people and usually end up getting screwed over in the end.
...You would know that I fear I won't be able to have a child.
...You would know that I have a recurring dream about a drive by shooting. Every time I'm in a trailer with a kid crouching down with me holding the kid. I hear gunshots and bullets start to come in through the walls of the trailer. The trailer then starts to crumble around and on top of me while I'm shot multiple times. The kid doesn't get injured. I've had this dream since I was 12 or 13 and it still occurs.
...You would know that my kitties are the loves of my life. They are basically my kids and I'm not sure what I'd do without them.
...You would know that I still call Indiana home. My family means a lot to me, and with everyone living there, they are my home. The only other place I feel at home is with Chase.
...You would know that I feel as though I am more spiritual than religious. I love learning about different beliefs, but don't believe necessarily in any one God or any God at all. I believe in things like karma, destiny, fate. However, I respect people that do believe in a God and think that their belief system is essential for how they live their lives.
...You would know that I am trying to become a stronger person. To focus on things that are important - like an education, working toward some kind of a goal that may get me somewhere in life.